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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Screaming


What is a deaf musician? Tortured. I suppose I'm somewhat lucky. I can hear some things. Sometimes I can even hear a beautiful melody if it's played on a solo instrument, like an oboe or flute. Does that still allow me the right to bitch and complain? I think so.
Often music is all distorted, a collage of sounds that makes no logical sense. I remember learning that Mozart's music was theoretically and mathematically perfect...and yet it invokes such emotion. What I hear is the opposite. Shifting keys, numerous unrelated pitches, something familiar that then goes awry. My music is now in black and white rather than vivid color and it strikes no emotion. Blah, no mood enhancement, no sadness, no feeling....just blah.
Why would God want a musician to live with this? I keep thinking it's just a test. "This is only a test....for the next 60 seconds...." but the test has gone on 10 years now and still has not come to completion. What does one do to move the process along?
The painting the scream is the best visual representation of how I feel. Edvard Munch. With a name like that, no wonder he thought of the scream.

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