Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I Can't Get No.....Satisfaction

'Tis that time again....late afternoon in the office, dog at my side, all caught up on the work "to do" list, and time to entertain myself by posting on my blog. No one is following my blog except me, myself, I and occasionally my friend Annie when I sort of make her look.  That's cool and perhaps somewhat egotistical.  I'm good with it though.  My thoughts are my thoughts and really, who cares more about my thoughts than me?  Having a blog is rather self-serving, and the way I'm serving myself I think I'll leave a good least 20%.  I don't need to serve anyone else, but should others be interested in my writing and my thoughts I'd be okay with that too.

Yesterday I had my hearing aids adjusted AGAIN.  Every time they're adjusted it's like getting new ears all over again.  I may have to change the name of my blog from "Happy No Ears" to "Somewhat Irritated No Ears".  My ears are ringing as if someone has been vacuuming or using a leaf blower (or both) in the background ALL DAY.  SHUT UP!!!  I'm noticing I'm having a harder time hearing speech too.  There have been some gains, however.  The tippity-tappity, clickity-clackity sound of my computer keyboard is much louder, running water is loud and clear, and the shuffle of my shoes against a gravely parking lot is also much louder.  These things are very helpful to my understanding of the world she says with witty sarcasm.  I don't fault the audiologist, it's just the give and take of my unusual limited hearing abilities and finding the right mix of loud and soft, speech gain, echo reduction, reverberation, high and low sounds, to finally help me the most.

I am trying not to give up on music, but must admit that right now I'm rather angry at music.  I don't even know if music is what I'm really angry at.  Music is all around me, taunting me like an old love one constantly bumps into.  I want to love music the way I used to, but I'm gun shy.  What if I let myself listen to these sounds that used to hold my passion?  Music no longer measures up, captures, no longer enthralls, or charms.  I can not get lost for hours in its exquisite is just there,  wrapped in simple brown paper, offering no embrace, no effect on my mood, no meaning.  It is cooked without salt; it does not satisfy. It will surely re-break my heart if I try to love it again.

What to do?  Do I continue to try?  Do I stay with my musician friends and pretend that participating brings joy?  Do I live with this partial palate of sounds accompanied by noisy appliances in the background?  Do I hope that God will smile on me and make it all better?  Or do I chose a new path?  Do I abandon the hope that my lover will take me back?  Do I find a new love to compete with the old?  I don't know.  Right now I'm too confused to decide.

I think my self-serving tip for the day may not be worth the usual 20%.  Today's special seems worth no tip at all.  Good news is, the work day is most done, and I can be on my drumming.  That should cheer me up.

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